-good news-
or -amazing news-?
everyone is staying now, i gave up UT which is at the least expense, comparing to xs not going cambridge, and yy not going Caltech! F3 indeed have some trait of abnormality ;D ok it is stil early to declare the decision but, it is still amazing yah?
is it going too fast? i have faith, that is why i never asked anything for assurance ;p, and i wil never try to ask lik some gals do, i only hope i am correct...and i hope our age is a time when we can talk abt responsibility and sth lik that.. v_V
this is my first time t be so daring.... *blushes.
*more blushes...
i was rummaging through my old drawers, my old cupboards, my old shelves..... sensed my own presence at home when i saw the dust snowing down slowly, and the fading sunlight through my window....
here they are, spreading themselves in front of me, yeah. the memories i had years ago was embedded in this thick stack of letters, letters from friends, letters dated from 6 years ago, although it stll feels lik yesterday...
listening to
i have tried to contact them, but didn gather enough courage to ask them out. oh well, few msg does not help bringing down the wall between them and me. there is a widening gap there, mocking at me. which i could not help and cannot help and guess will not going to be able either
a heart breaking reality. distance and time does erode. slowly, painfully. what i need to do now is to grap the present ones with all my passion, and never let go.
how wil i feel after i finish reading all of them? nostalgia again? >,<
why care so much about how ppl look at me?
i dont understand but, maybe papa was correct, i am this little thin-skinned social creature, always try to adjust myself to be what i am perceived to be, but not really what i am meant to be?
the incident was accidental, but it kinda made me reflected upon myself... however, what did i do? i did nothing wrong, i was fine, i was innocent, so do we. why should i nod amiably while actually wanted to shout out "it was not what u think!". somehow i found it useless to defend, and needless.
as my msn name said, yah, i did not intend to hurt. no... i have never did and i wil never do that! i swear! i do! and in the end i was also someone who bears the guilt that i make others unhappy.... sorry, although apology may really be useless. but what can i do? i dont understand why after apology i would stil be shown a "fed-up face" and "f*c words".....was i acting blant? was i really wrong? no time to reply and no time to help was really not my choice, take into account of my endless work and a lethargic body and a inspiration-less mind. plz dun say they are mere excuses. besides the excuses, i have nothing to tell u, if u dun believe. than that is it.
i know i was a bit rude by bombing out "i am pissed" before i totally morphed away on msn. but that was 4am on the morning and my eyes were painful eyelids dropping head spinning and , being scolded lik mad was not a pleasant experience at a point of time like this right?
i hav my patience.
and i stil have the millenia-old dust-covered same excuses, if u insist, yah, and whether u accept or not...
ok if u dun say "sorry", let me take the job, i say.
sorry.
enough?
if i ever said i am secluded or even aloof as a result of self-control, yah, i meant it, but its kinda hard.
tried hard to be emotionally unaffected by the environment, situations and ppl ard me, ^^ and thought i am getting more and more successful.... caring aloofness, haha, oxymoronic indeed.
crazy for cryptograph now :D after finish The Da Vinci Code-->wow it is really inspiratory! .n___n. but just dun hav the keen senses ;p ha maybe i should start practising mirror writing soon? haha..
gotta draw out the layout for my future tiny cafe! i dreamt abt it in my dream and thought that was a unique design! :l ....... won fail ur imagination, i promise o_n*
i bet, i swear, someday i wil go insane if i keep on this sleeping disorder /or sleep-5-hrs-later /or sleep-as-others-are-waking up habit...
when u get used to sth, and it wont burden u anymore, althought it s stil a pain in the ass... haha but we should always look at the brighter side of things, and i do hav faith that if i face life with a +v attitude, it wil give back a +v feedback ;P
anyway, Nooch is indeed stressful, .... 11am-11pm with break from 530pm-6pm was still not pressing as weekend jobs. i was literally lik a windmill as 'tossing and turning' my head while taking orders and producing drinks as speedy as possible....erm, a good effect-->with a weird kind of hands-on, now i fuller realised what is multi-tasking and priority and first-in-first-out, blah blah blah... haha.
Nooch after-effect :
1.adversive to all kinds of noodles/smells of noodle/long sleek object look lik noodle now ;
2.trust noone for un-natural drinks besides tap water and tea, if the drink was not made by meeee.~
3.breakfast time can be postponed to 11-3pm..(latest 3pm), lunch time always at 4-5 pm, and dinner... (earliest of all), 1130pm -12 mid night... erm, btw, shud i change name for them?
4.......worsening insomnia ;p
dun be sad for me, i am doing fine. haha, although with a bad habit that aint supposed to exist. i wil try to amend (later ba maybe?) when i get over this period..
can help me..
maybe when we meet again? :)
really have no idea why i work so hard.
doing waitessing, bar tender all kinds of stuff, 9 hours a day, take into account of the pathetic meaningless 3 hrs break in between, practically i step out of house at 10am, and reached home at 12pm..:/
i am using this to prove i am strong?
my timing rocks for today:
1100: nooch doorway
315 pm: leaving for tuition
4:20 pm:approaching tuition centre -->goes appendix 1
6:10 pm:finish tuition
7:00 pm:nooch. starts night shift.
...
...
ok here comes the appendix--> was hit by a car during the ruthless process of crossing a road, while rushing to tuition centre. omg, luckily the car just restarted engine, otherwise, oops, ....
the sudden outburst of tears was not due to the pain, but was due to the stress that has been built up... oh well that kind of scare yy's heart out! em, challenge it was, indeed :) as a bonus of the accident, i have learnt to control myself well, since i am going tuition and according to mr lee, a good tutor should never be emotional and should never let any personal emotion affect the lesson. so, there i was. with hair-covered swellon eyes, a onion-nose, and a strong smile...standing stil. cooled down.
ok... realise, once i hav cooled myself, and the whatever depressing sensation wil not surge again so easily. at least for now, when i have no time to consider anything, loniless, aloofness, worthilessness..
no i am not thinking about them.
u know what i am thinking abt now, dont u? :P
五月十一的清晨
日出 陪伴着飞机起飞的画面
掠过天边的 换日线
你的身影
化作云海中的一点
落泪，却又在你的面前
受不了我的懦弱。又无法抗拒
酸涩的冲动。代替了告别
是不是泪光，能让爱更闪亮
是不是我应该，留下晴天般的笑脸
我转身离去
背叛我的勇气背叛我的誓言
只是害怕，如果继续睁着眼，
还是会为了你的温暖，而贪恋。
在苍白的机场 游荡
一种眩晕的感觉
熄灯的球场
手拉着手一起逛街
雨中 黄叶纷飞的夜
鲜明的画面
在脑海里，打了一个个解不开的 结
不知道，你不在这的 每一天
会有谁
能在寒冷时 温热冰冷的手
当我疲倦时 依着你的肩
能在夜深时 不再 失眠
很快，我会开始想念
时间它能不能倒退一点
停格在 那时
我想告诉你一些话 但却 无言
一直觉得我很坚强我很勇敢
直到今天，才发现
我的胆小
我的 不敢面对 未知
并不敢想象我的以后 将来的世界
我很懦弱 很肤浅
我把快乐，放得好远，好远
其实
一直想知道，幸福是什么，这几年
终于，你让我，记得
自己，不是一个人 游荡街边
终于，你让我触摸了--幸福
就是在层层叠叠，平凡而又灿烂的
瞬间
忽然想到一起开始的旅程 这几个字有种温暖的气氛
如果用来形容我们 是不是很巧妙传神
从没想过事情会这样发生 原本陌生的人闯进了人生
从此生命中多出你们 也多出无限可能
一起作伴 一起游玩 一起分享青春的宝藏
一起前进 一起转弯 一起想下一个梦想
My baby You baby 什么都不想错过
用心感动 这旅程中 因你而加倍的感动
My baby You baby 让我多记下一些沿路感受
那将会是我 最美最好的收获
这是一段我们秘密的旅程 别人很难了解其中的兴奋
可惜没空理会他们 我在意的只有你们
未来还有很多事情要发生 丰富我这有人相伴的人生
只要我转身看见你们 每天都精采万分
感谢你愿意陪伴我 不然我将会多么寂寞
不然如何能把泪水 变成回忆的彩虹
it is always a bizzare thing to me that why ppl our age keep asking each other 'are u attached'? some new friends did that too, colleagues, net pals, or strangest of all, someone i totally dont know. So i keep answering 'yes i am attached... to myself' ... :|
Hummm, i fully understand tt i am not ready to do anything yet, before ~(the more rational reason is before everything settles down, my school, where i am studying, where i am staying, blah blah blah), but (~deep down there i chose the less rational and more nan-style way of thinking, which is, i am not ready until i gain more self-confidence).
oh well, it is hard to say tt i DO lack of confidence. i seldom failed to initialise a conversation, take up a challenge, get attracted by amusements, etc. But, only a selected few knows, i am not confident at all! :( yah thanx to the who-looks-better who-may-deserve-better world...emm...i will try to be pretty maybe? a way to be braver too? questionable, but nonthelessly worth trying!
Being a perfectionist is not easy. The more i get to touch with, the more i compare, the more i am not satisfied/doubtful about my Appearance, Ability and Attitude. Oh ok but my god-see-god-will-被气死 attitude is unammendable! so ... sigh, now i am not good enough for anyone else. no no no... :) i need to change, to improve..
tied to myself. and continue to be, until oneday i bet i am confident enough to present a new me. :D that will see...
the saddest thing to me is not getting problems in life, falling deadly sick, facing hardships, breaking my heart, smashing my reputation or whatever, but is the moment tt i cant tell ppl abt them...
somethings can be shared by my friends, and i always feel so relieved and happy after telling them, knowing that i am cared, i am still remembered. but, somethings, or certain thing, cant just be revealed. it feels like a growing splinter inside me, hurting me; or a heavy metal block pressing my chest down, trying to suffocating me... no. no. no. i hate this drowning feeling!
everytime i thk of this, memories of drowning recollecting themselves in my head, calling me back. i felt the cold. i felt i was alone, in deep blue. falling... without a helping hand. i wanna scream for help but i just cant! i just cant say the word!
what the crap i am doing now... gotta learn to enjoy myself. anyway i hav at least 19 hours a day to feel the world these days... feel i am alive.
althought feeling i am MUTED.
i dont wanna say. why, what, when, how?
long long time never posted any entries...
this is not only because i did not even have a chance to hit the web, but also because, (i think) i have grown up a bit to realise self-loathing or self-indulgence is not healthy at all. so i dun need to focus too much on myself (plus all the complains, sadness, naggings as a result) and instead, i should just take up whatever challenge ahead and never look back. yes, this is indeed the new life...
really, a lot things did happen. mood swings i had, but none of them was as bad as how i used to be...oh well, this is excenllent! just take into account tt my life during this period was ever the most chaotic and confusing of all timez! renting accident, finding a job, cleaning up, wow, getting back results, ... life made me wonder again why i used to behave that way, the old and immature way... :) i just decided to change.
sweet moments i had, thnx. this time round, i will definitely keep them. the rain's still strumming along; the moonlight's stil shining upon the world, spreading a sheet of silver; the yellow leaves r stil floating in the air... dun wanna expect too much now, i am just being myself. i am just learning to accept. and to see... ;D
a tired heart in the afternoon.
my heart at ease again, with no reason.
thank god.
"Education: the path from coc ky ignorance to miserable
uncertainty." --Mark Twain
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
"I don't wanna see it either, but you so badly don't want to see it, that it makes me wanna see it. You see?"
Drawing on my fine command of the language, I said nothing.
--Robert Benchley
Lois: How would you like it if I made your life a living hell?
Ace: Well, Lois, I'm not quite ready for a relationship right now, but maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911?
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore to love is to suffer, not to love is to suffer. To suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy then is to suffer. But suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.
-- woody ellen (btw wat 's he tokin abt??....''')
"He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news." --
Bertolt Brecht.
If it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, we have at least to consider the possibility that we have a small aquatic bird of the family anatidae on our hands.--Douglas Adams
His eyes seemed to be popping out of his head. He wasn't certain if this was because they were trying to see more clearly, or if they simply wanted to leave at this point.--Douglas Adams
"This is either a forgery or a damn clever original." --
Frank Sullivan
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett (so brilliant! >.<)
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them ....I have others." --Groucho Marx
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." --A. Whitney Brown
"From birth to age eighteen, a girl needs good parents. From eighteen to thirty-five, she needs good looks. From thirty-five to fifty-five, a woman needs personality. And from fifty-five on, the old lady needs cash."--Kathleen Norris (oh well....)
"I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..." --Mike Binder
"a raisin--a worried grape" --unknown. (grinz)
to round it off now...
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do. --Jean-Paul Sartre
haha believe it or not, i am ironing.
emm...just set up the iron board in my room and piles of clothes are in front of me now -wah- a challenge yearh! heeheee...
realise we gotta learn such 'Domestic' work one day, so might as well get professional now right? things like cooking, cleaning house, or even ironing can be fun! ;D i myself love tossing bubbles ard while cleaning the dishes haha, or maybe can make 'houseshoe' burn prints on my shirts yeh? ^^
can imagine one day i live alone. em, better buy less clothes..... and dine out... ;(
after all, these craps are not that fun if u stuck with them everyday hor...
if u do really care for me.
u may remember this place.
u may know how impt it is to me.
u may look through everything from my heart.
u may know what had happened.
and what is happening now.
u may see why i did all these all those.
u may sense how painful it hurt.
u may regret.
u may curse me.
u may forget me.
and u may forgive me.
u may not, i know, u wont even come here...
u may not know everytime i cry i only hope the cold drops on my cheeks rushing down can wash away all the bad memories, only left out happiness for me. but i just cant. this is the terrible me. a terrible person. someone shouldnt be here someone shouldnt be somehow shouldnt meet somehow shouldnt care at all.
only if we could be more open to each other, the world will be indeed a better abyss. it is my fault sorry.
.........................it is me who tortured myself, sorry, not u, sorry really... sorry... should blame me, all, all, if that can make things better. blame me curse me whatever. from the beginning, i was the unforgivable one.............sorry...
i am stil naive. no i was. and wont continue to be.
love this song, hard to find it.......
feeling a little bit of blue now
Every time I think of you
I feel shot right through with a bolt of blue
It's no problem of mine but it's a problem I find
Living a life that I can't leave behind
There's no sense in telling me
The wisdom of a fool won't set you free
But that's the way that it goes
And it's what nobody knows
While every day my confusion grows
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say
I feel fine and I feel good
I'm feeling like I never should
Whenever I get this way, I just don't know what to say
Why can't we be ourselves like we were yesterday
I'm not sure what this could mean
I don't think you're what you seem
I do admit to myself
That if I hurt someone else
Then I'll never see just what we're meant to be
Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You'll say the words that I can't say
please say. please.
i am already feeling this way, quilty, overwhelmed. please tell me yell at my face do whatever u want.
if revenge can end all the misery....why cant i just be myself? why cant i just admit. why cant i....
i didnt want to cry more often. the last memory of sheding tears for senseless sentiments was too vague to be true, but now, after all the resolution i hav made to be optimistic, again, i fell into the never-ending loop. God i need a place to confess, can anyone forgive me? can someone forgive me?
again i am scared of the consequence. but yet i am scared of my hesitance. oh -get down on my knees and pray- i thk what i need is just that little bit of courage and, a few words, telling me that this is okay this is correct. seriously, i just dont want to be the one who hurts. i dont want i dont want i dont want!!
-waiting for the final moment-
-u say the words i cant say-
i wil wait.
i wil Ever Never let this happen again. i swear. i swear....
能不能不要再__我了。。。i am just aint sane, i just dun hav courage to continue. i just... i just... i dono... i just havnt recover yet... i just...
too tired to hav anything.
Happy Valentine's Day.
may u find u valentine on the special occasion.
-morph- purrrr....
haha it wil be my theme of the month! whew! oh well so many things to change and hopefully exciting events coming up soon ;0
em just finish browsing and read a pretty insightful blogger's words, (which did ring a bell to me), self-indulgence is partially induced by unleashing thoughts and words, so...haha, i need a change! i wil blog differently. em. hope so. not much time left also *winks*
friends all leaving again. wow how come i hav a feeling tt i did not grow in 4 years huh? i mean hear them talking abt the complicated uni life and plan to step to society made me sweat!~ hey i am not in uni yet! not fair....
just imagine taking achitect, which is 5 YEARS~ emmmz... waves~ there goes my precious time as a youth....then imagine the road after uni, am i stil so into further studies? arhhh haha.
some stooopic guy just asked me whether i was 16. -pong-... BiG PunCh. arhhh, haha dun tell me like innocent is a good thing k? -oh well, wait-
(*me): (getting on bus) oh damn it, forgot to bring coins...(rummage in my bag)
(*driver): hey little girl faster!
(*me):!!!...forgot to bring coins.
(*driver):nvm lah little girl, rem to bring next time ...
(*me):!!! ....oh thanx...
(*an old lady): (handed over coins) hey KID take this ba...
(*me):)O_________________________o'''' wah,..... thnx....... (wah!~ wanna cry also...)
sigh....
i am crazy!
really cannt stand myself liao...;l now is 6am and, i am not just woke up--> i havnt slept yet. tonight i have being doing this site for my relative's small company, and i decided to finish it before i leave. oh well, i only started planning today!!! how much time do i have yeh? anyway, with puffy-eyed effort and disturbing stomach-ache from 2am to 6am, i have done quite a lot, haha.... at least can show them the index page and overall layout! yeah.....
and it is amazing that actually i have tried Flash! -phew- i never knew how to do and i DiD actually apply it to this site! hoohooo, see how it turns out to be first........
anyway, i realised commercial posters and websites are sooooo much different from personal one. though i was thinking abt having some creative/outrageous/bold attempts, in the end i gave up and use the standard simple layout instead. (btw it is soooo Hwa Chong, -->the Muddy Color hor, typical Hwa Chong-ian product mah ;D) sigh.... dun dare to risk my first "job".... it is for free, anyway.... grateful that they agreed to have me! yet running the risk of screwing up everything huh? hah ^-^
thnks for worring abt me, really... really...
no words can express my gratitude, so, sleep early, esp when u r busy and tired........take cares...................p*(^-^)*q Jia You zzzz.....
last entry was nonsense, again, as usual. wow...heeheee...tell me all the way i was 自欺欺人, kind of, weird kind, haha, taurus always fighting to be unique huh? in every aspect maybe?? hmmm, lets see......how wil the future goes.
Frankie J 'Dont wanna try' :/ again? i loved it, now still.
if you really really have sth to say,
but you cannot say it straight.
how??
i am such an indecisive person that i will be overwhelmed by sth i cannot do. i DO want to tell my true feelings but i cant. i just cant, in fear of hurting someone.
it is because, i know the feeling of being hurt. and i dun want to be the cause of it....
or maybe telling my heart wont make an impact at all? i will never know unless i try. but.... plz. plz. plz. someone plz tell me how to express myself. the GuiltY feeling is haunting me all day long and so is the increasing worries and burden....
this is SAD! i dont know how to start, i dont know how to end. i dont know how to reject, and i dont know how to forgo. i wil just keep troubling myself but noone else. Or, at most, write out everything here and perceive my voice wil be heard somehow, which is, obviously, improbable....
yy said i muz be brave. she also said i muz take the consequence. yap, i guess so. but y should i suffer all the way until now? even suffer for this funny funny reason? omg. BT~ me
i wil continue suffering maybe.
See how coward i am!! i only know how to hide, just like a stupid ostrich, covering my head in the sand and, suffocating myself. LOL!
.......lol........
lemme be a big ostrich. lemme evaporate into nowhere. lemme invisible. lemme cut off all contacts. lemme ....算了吧, what talking you?!!
wish my hints works for the least insensitive person in the world, which is also, obviously, improbable....
very sad now.
sad for my lousiness and inability to design and draw. i myself also wonder why but i always have this design-phobia (?), esp after i browsed through so many splendid websites. i feel so lousy now.
taking up design course seems not to be a good idea now. is it? i really think there are millions of excellent designers out there, i am nothing. absolutely nothing. i cannot even handle PS well, no need to mention Flash, Painter, PShop, CorelD, PElement, 3DMax....blah blah blah... there are just way too much to catch on with, and i just have too little time to do. OMG! *deep breath*
i have taken this route.
even i drown, blame on me.
i have been watching Friends lately.
It is really addictive!~ i watched for 4 hours until now 5am in the morning and i am still lying in front of my comp, uncleaned, cold, thirsty, dizzy but refreshed. ;D wow......wish i could be like them too. i mean i am not totally supportive for some (oh ok a lot) of their ideologies and acts, but i can truly feel for the special bonding among them, or maybe the chemistry, i should call? they are real persons, just like us. they do have their happiness, quarrels, confusions, selfishness and jealousy, just like what we have occasionally. oh well, from them, i kinda saw something familiar inside and around me. yes can u feel that?
come back to myself again. maybe my friends accepts me not bcoz the wholy me that i am, but bcoz of the image tt i am displaying in the public. is it? is it? if they know how coward i am, if they know how blue my heart is, if they know where my cheerful words and smiles lead, if they saw my ghostly me pale cheeks puffy eyes under the fluorescent light at night(oh me usin tt kind of lamp haha), if they feel the shallowness of my lame talks, if they sense the way i detest myself sometimes, i bet, they wont care about me less....
ok i am whining here, for no reason. see? see! see....
someone told me before "if urself dun be confident and like urself, how can other ppl like you?" oh well he was correct. but how?
tried as my best to be strong, i did. i just dun wanna be seem as a little feeble chick wandering in the gigantic deep forest (wah sounds strange? phew!--), and also not a naive girl hogging to some unrealistic fairytales to have a sweet dream on. i wanna be tough. and i thought i could handle that and i did well.
sometimes maybe we do need a little bit of courage to admit the facts huh? wow din expect Friends can bring out so much thoughts. amazing....
gotta continue watching soon..;) i love them. just as how i love my friends....... hugs...
i must confess that i am feeling lonely.
yap, just like what yy is probably feeling now, but the difference is, she admits it, but i deny it....it is kinda weird right? i mean i am at home, i am here as i always wished in the past four years, i am here again with old friends going out laughing chit-chatting as the good old days, but i still feel lonely. loneliness at heart.
life without purpose is terrible to me. life with endless movies, food, shopping, sleep is soooooo terrible. it seems that my wants was not unlimited afterall. so now, nothings really appeals to me. nothing. i desire nothing now.
isnt that good? oh well.....
truly good?
so i gotta do sth to set myself up. for sure.
i always wonder.
it is not my fault to cry on the first day of lunar new year, esp after y'day that blissful night, when everyone was laughing i was high and i was naive enough to believe a new year is truely blessed to be a year without pains and tears.
but i was wrong.
sometimes i wonder what is different to be an adult. why is it so superior to be an adult when someone still lets emotion hurt others and make others cry? at these times, i feel i am grown up.
i started to fear i maybe someone who is like this-- drowning in the sea of emotions and never be able to get out. please dont tell me it is in the genes? it runs in my grandma's blood, as well as my mother's, so soon it will be my turn? i fear. i detest myself being a sentimental drawf not for no reason. i detested myself. i am trying hard to oppose. i am wishing...
sometimes i faithfully believed that i had shrewd senses, to ppl's wants, to ppl's hearts; that i could be rational enough to transcend the boundary of age; that i could see through every emotion so i would not be affected by all. i had faith. i was naive.
now i am still trying to be strong and detached. Ok it sounds scary but i am thinking maybe it is the environment which constantly forces me to be. having had enough occasions where emotions conflict, where excessive love or hope hurts, where misunderstanding cuts, i am forced to confined my heart, in a temple of peace. dont blame me to be apathy. -peep-
i have no choice. although i just did crying.
hope some can just be a little bit more like adults, but not children throwing their anger and discontent at others.
but i know i have no turning back....
nonsense indeed, this entry..
sadly, i realised, there r stil a lot of things to frighten me, to bother me even when i am at home, which is supposingly a asylum for me. i dunno...it is not a place to make me cry, right?
i tried very hard to analyse the situation to arrange my thoughts and to seek for the reason, historically or psychologically, but, all were in vail. i sort of dont know where to start, and it is so embarassing for me to admit my unrespectful behavior. i never thought i would be! but here i am..
have conflicts with mum quite often after i am back. i dont understand why we cannot just be like normal mother-daughters, talking about our womenly-secrets, shopping together, cooking together or even gossiping. this is a kind tt i am longing for, but could never get. whatever i do, she wil scold me lik..lik hell, and show dissappovals. ok well i know i was rebellious i was rude i did argue with her at first, which made me cry after all the quarell and she sad as well. but now, i gave up trying. i wil just nod nod and nod absent-mindedly and not giv a response-- even like this, watever i do wil still cause fierce scolding, i duno why i duno why i duno....
the clothes i wear, the time i get up, the food i eat, the things i do...why cant i be like who who and who? why cant i be as what they are? blah blah blah... ok enough of that...in a word, whatever i do is wrong. i am totally wrong. then why should i be born?
i am not a pious daughter, this is all i can say. just tt i dont know how to do what is the right thing to do and why...and i dont know why she cannt speak to me as a normal human being? i DO have my pride and esteem, even as a daughter. ok i know it wil be love, but even love can be put into a way tt hurts, tt cuts, deeply? i hate bleeding...it is amazing how she said i lack of self-confidence. i know why.
after so much turmoil, stress and sadness in sg, i was sooooo happy to be finally home once in a time. and i really thought i could have a relaxing time, at last temporarily for me to re-organize my life to have a better new beginning. and i DO need a little bit of transition time. but now, i am suffering stil...
but all i wanna to be is what they expect me to do-- an independent person, someone who can be in charge of herself. yes i tried my best, for them, to achieve this. i tried not to play a lot, not to go out like my friends, tried to be diligent, tried to produce my best work, tried not to buy what i always wanted becoz i can save money. now she is saying i am not listening i am wrong? so then how?
maybe tis is my personality's fault? it is my own fault. a saddist' fault. an idiot's fault.
or maybe i dun deserve peace. isnt that what i want? a constant pressure and pain to keep me going, to keep me inspired?
how? if a person wants to fly away from home? if home is not a place for her, even she is longing for warmth? here is cold, so are the tears, so is the heart.
i am evil, right? i am.. i am... i am....indeed.
no need to pity me.
where should i go? i am lost...
ok i am overacting, emz... o o''' but wait..maybe i should go back earlier than planned? should i? should i? tell me wat to do i wil listen...
-unconcious self-
kind of cool? n____n'''
take a test?
-concious self-
.
ha Musicmatch is fantastic. ;)
love its radio, heehee, i am having a song marathon for the whole day, ^^ listeing to Hillary now. -___-''' this is my fav for very long but i never found it, just now checked its lyrics. oops...heeheee never knew it means this:
Hillary Duff
- So Yesterday Lyrics
You can change your life
You can change your clothes
If can change your mind
Well that's the way it goes
At least not today
Not today
Not today, 'cuz
If it's over let it go and
Come tomorrow it will seem
So yesterday So yesterday
I'm just a bird
Thats already flown away
Laugh it off
Let it go and
When you wake up it will seem
So yesterday
Haven't you heard that I'm gonna be ok
You can say you're bored
You could act real tough
You could say you're torn
But I've heard enough
Thank you
You've made my mind up for me
When you started to ignore me
You won't see a single tear
It isn't gonna happen here
At least not today
Not today
Not today, 'cuz
Haven't you heard you're so yesterday
wish i am stil that little girl.
sometimes it just seems so scary to grow up. i mean to go to uni, goto work, live alone, make friends with strangers and get into all kinds of relationships. ok how mentally sound and strong need i to be? or maybe it is not tt comlicated as what i perceived?
but are you already doing that? i mean havnt me already lived alone, kinda done all the things i mentioned? i dont know. it is just weird...i am more frightened than ever.
wish i am still that innocent girl, who will follow her fate, but not to made to change her fate. i am in serious doubt of my ability to take responsibility and to be sane, haha. stronger nerves, i am lacking.
although i always declaim that i am a fighter, who wil challenge the destiny and who constantly seek for changes and chaos, but sometimes, i wil be defeated by my indolent nature.
oops, am i making too much self-analysis and self-confession here? even daddy says i am tt kind who knows myself but wil never be able to change the weaknesses. ha he knows me, indeed.
who cares whether i can change or not?
i mean who cares??
now listening to the song:
我要控制我自己
不会让谁看见我哭泣
怪自己没有勇气
心痛得无法呼吸
找不到坚强的理由
告诉我星空在那头
那里是否有尽头..
Such a superficial feeling I have.
Heard esson’s songs everywhere, in the supermarket, on the street, and now, at home. His songs are not as popular as Jay’s, definitely, and i believe it is sth called 缘。
Intended to do sth constructive these days, but ended up sian-ing on the street everyday. -_-‘’’ trying to watch everyone walking past, while I was against the direction of them.
<
看着他们的脸，猜想着他们的身份，他们的心情，他们的生活，用我并不锐利的目光，尝试着。。。“……可是我，不知道想要什么，不知道拥有什么……”
看着下了班的城市。霓虹灯的耀眼。我，在这个熟悉而又陌生的城市里，走在下着记忆的雪的街道上，轻轻哼着eason的歌。“我恨我，我不知道想要什么……可能，我们都，寂寞。”
走过忙碌的街头，一个人，寂寞。
why i am stil alright?
want to fall sick, so tt i can finally sleep. peacefully.
wanna escape from the boredom, the ceaseless tormenting boredom and the depressing everything.
escape ;| from u -->point to myself.
how to stop nose from bleeding?!? help!
feel funny, it is stil early.
only 4:30 am, oh well, going to greet the sun again :) --waves
i dun understand y guys care abt looks so much! *o* why why why? as if the prettier, the nicer the gal... omg... for me, i dun really care whether my friend is a human or a dog! as long as i feel tt he/she/it worth me to care for! ^^
a conversation i had on msn:
(for privacy, real names are not shown here @_@)
(*MarS*): hello!
(nan): hi... who are u?
(*MarS*): oh i saw ur name on...(blah blah blah)
(nan): oh..^^ nice to meet u!
(*MarS*): me too. u hav video right? can i see u?
(nan): (stunned, so fast?) huh? why?
...*MarS* has required video conversation, accept or decline?
(nan): sorry ah dun feel like...
(*MarS*): accept leh!
(nan): sorry ah i dun hav the habit of video conv...'''-_-
(*MarS*): nvm lah, just wan t see ..(blah blah blah)
(nan): (sigh, first time meet, sigh...)no lah i am just afraid tt i may scare u.... erm, if u insist...(ah dun insist plz!*-*)
...silence(for 2 mins)...
(*MarS*): gtg... cya
(nan): (||| ...)...
(nan): cya, and ...
user *MarS* seems offline, the msg cannot be sent...
it was so funny... guys...oh well..
nose is bleeding now, in the middle of the night, duno why!? (smell of blood)oh, dun tell me it is becoz the 4 cans of coke in 2 hours. i was bored.
yes indeed.
my bed is in chaos, i dumped all the bks on it, now i hav nowhere to sleep and i cannot just crawl on the floor as wat i always did in hostel. it..is...winter...now...*shivers* might as well stay up the whole day? i am sane, enough.
feeling satisfied, should be the caffeine...
listening to a unknown song..
here:
也许有一天，我会爱上你，
也许我们会在一起；
也许，你会让我伤心，
也许，我们会学习，忘记。
its definitely not a well-written song. but, it rhymes ;)
hi dun be sad still, ok? *it takes a long time to heal i guess, but no use be morose over it anymore, right?* learn to forgive and learn to forget,^^ lik what u always said....
u may not even see my words, but i feel as if i am telling u...cant u feel?
take cares. tis song is for u....
came back to my senses..
urge myself--finish all these craps soon! 不然再鄙视你！;P
haha...
(\____/)
/ @_@ \
( (oo) )
`-.~~.-
kinda depressed
lame. all becoz i finished reading a 'stupidly' sentimental book, sigh. now i am depressed...
life is simple, so simple compare to my past; days passing without much thoughts. i'v never imagined tt my time can be spent in such a placid way. ignorance is bliss :)
simply wore a long-sleeve shirt in winter, simply walking down the stairs, simply going out and rent pirated VCDs, browsing through stacks of them, simply running arcoss the road after my affort to find traffic lights was in vail,
running when the cars are coming for me, simply stopped, only to smell the air full of fried sausage and toasted lamb from the vendors, simply, running home...
but yet i feel so empty.
since long i wanna be a care-free man in the world, but i am heading towards the wrong direction-- apathy. plz. plz. god plz... i dun wan to lose my stil-boiling blood, not so soon, not before i taste the feeling of true passion and cares.
a funny entry, indeed.
today just realise i am a selfish person--i never stop envy other ppl's lives! -_-''' i envy their freedom, their innocence or their maturity, their experienced life or simple life-style, their packed schedule or their leisure moments...hoho.. such a greedy person huh? ;( 鄙视你！^^
describe the character in the novel i read today. (yap i envy tt kind of life as well)... +o+)^ they are cool girls, who are independent enough to ignore what is pain, what is hurt and what is love. Worn-out jeans, pure white cotton shirts or brunet tees are their outfits, permanently, accompanied them to the streets, to cafes, to train stations, to pubs, to wherever they can find the meaning of existence. They, just need to find a reason to live.
at night, no, night is special becoz it is when they can be freed. (sounds lik me huh?) it is when the last barricade has been destroyed and so tt they can peel off to air their hearts. (wow..sounds..''') like me, things written at night are dark, well, shady maybe. but anyway it is another side of me *-*
at least they enjoys to be with themselves. confined, but satisfied.
i am not ready yet.
P.S giv me sometime for the guestbk.. while wondering indeed how many ppl read my blog. haha... dun be scared, if u dun know me.... and not surprise tt u r scared if u know me...
oops...
school server gone
oh well temp close down though i wil stil post entries...sorry for the monstorous interface oh! ^^ too busy liaoz, no time to take care of it..
maybe i wil continue bloggin after my site is up.
maybe i wil not..
who knows? ;P
this is terrible...
i am scared help!!!
i am scared, i am scared that i may discover sth which i aint supposed to. i am scared to destroy the grand model in my heart. i rather..everything stays the same.
but what if everything is only a lie thoughout the years?!?
without the present life, i may... i cannot imagine what i wil become from an already impaired soul. oh groans*
but why? why? why? tell me why... it is not amazing tt i am suspicious of sth called 'true love'. thanx to all the media 'polution', and also thanx to all the real life examples around me which burdens me scares me corrupts my want-to-believe-everything mind. '(ToT)' it is not good to know. i rather be guillable be blind be deaf, than to know everything.
it is unfair, to whom?
now i hav determined to run away run away run run... as far as possible. wow hahaha... this is the true me, who wil never have the courage to face reality or cruelty. (watever, i always tot they are exchangeable synomyns) if i am hurt, then i wil never recover, my scars may be hidden but it wont heal, permanently... if i percieve tt i wil be hurt or someone close to me wil be, and i am too weak to help, not even a bit, then i wil just try to duck off.... is this another form of escapism?? *oh no*
god help me, god help me, i wish i am just over-sensitive... or maybe yy was correct-- my sense has been slowing down. -i was 'angry' with tt comment but now i WISH i am!-
if there stil sth call 'faith'...
if i am cold-blooded enough...
if i can see everything...
if i am not here...
good point--> i hav one more reason to leave. to fly off far far away, to somewhere i wil only be sad for hurts of myself, or to somewhere i wil totally morph to ignore all these, or to somewhere, i wil, be the one to be forgiven but not the one to forgive...
this is confusing enough. coz i just duno where to pour out my heart who to lean on now... coz i just damn scare to face sth... coz i just dun really wan ppl to know... coz i just dun understand.
damn good weather, damn good family gathering tml, plz dun spoil my mood.
not before i leave, k?
this entry is getting long, but who cares? i can only seek for solace here now. :( maybe i am stil too naive to realise tt there is another world which i stil dun understand. nope. why should i?
anyway why i constantly hav tis impression tt guys cant be trusted for 'lov'? oh no although there was nothing happened to me but, yap, but as i said, the whole world is displaying this message to me and i hav to believe this... sooooo sad. haha... hope i won be a man-hater, plz plz. but it doesn come without a reason right? it should be a rather general phenom to giv me tis feeling correct??
oh well i hav no right to interfere.
i dun wan to be cheated be hurt in the future, by any means.
coz i know...
i won hav the ability to recover...
anything but ordinary
-- avril lavigne
Sometimes I get so weird
I even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep
it's my lullaby
Sometimes I drag so fast
just to feel the danger
I wanna scream it makes me feel alive
Is it enough to love? is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out & leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die, somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
To walk within the lines
would make my life so boring
I want to know that i have been to the extreme
so knock me off my feet
c'mon now give it to me
anything to make me feel alive
Is it enough to love? is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out & leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please
Let down your defenses, use old common sense
if you look you will see that this world is a
beautiful, accident, turbulent, soculent, oculent,
permanent no way
I wanna taste it, don't wanna paste away...
Sometimes I get so weird i even freak myself out
I laugh myself to sleep it's my lullaby
well...sad..
even if the whole damn cold world does not know what i am doing... even if what i do seems indeed senseless ridiculous... even if i am not that persistant not that hard-working.... at least i hope that she can understand me. i just hope they can. my only wish.
seems unattainable....
i am really on my own now....
oops...
i should not write sth so pessimistic right? i have been deadly harmed.as a resulf, i feel like a mere shadow, live in nowhere, trying her best to fulfill whatever she needs to do, needs to do for nobody, forgetting about all happiness forgetting about possible love and care. forget all, i will be happy, finally.
rest in peace, remember u always said that.
i will...
i am really alone now...
suppose to check out the hostel (otherwise wil be charged for another day) but, i am just stoning here, watching the debris on the floor the unfinished stuff to pack the emptiness of the room, and, my heart. such a stinging feeling, i hate it... i hate... to be alone, actually...
now i realise how weak i am, which i have been constantly denied and pretended to be strong to be enjoying loneliness and solitary when the world seems normal and revolving around the small area besides me, i was contented. i was scared. i could fake well that i dun need them .... but, yes, i DID... i truly did...
thinking that this is the time to end, to end the devastating self-deception; to end the perceivable breakdown of the fragile flower, which was blooming at the wrong time at the wrong place; to end the ceaseless countless emotional craving; and to end the bitter tears at a hiding corner in the midnight, after all the happy moments and what i would think of was the termination of all happiness, i am a sadist, i must admit...
what was the use of trying? if in the end all i can get is merely a cruel red warning "OVER"? the one who was hurt is me, the heart which is bleeding now is mine, and the cold bitter substance is from my eyes, my. me... oh am i selfish? am i... selfish enough to forget all these?? no no no...
this is a sad ending, continues as if it never meant to be. but inside, it did end, deeply.
thanx to all those supported me all the way all the while. i truly appreciates your help. otherwise, i may not be myself now, or forever :)
this is bad.
i knew tat i havn been here for quite long, seems lik i have already discarded this place. however, the truth is, i was too occupied to take care of myself, and no need to mention my pathetic period of Net-less...
too much things had happened. they were...oh well.. just too much for me to take. A level is not devastating but the rest are, draining as they are not meant to be, emotionally and psychologically.
realized i had changed a lot a lot after the conversation with a friend who i lost contact with for more than 4 years, oh well. he said i still sounds blur, really? really? did i? were i just a mere kid? even i was, am i still?... am i changed? am i real....
some changes are good while some others are objectionable. for me, there is no way to tell whether i am changing for the better or worse. at least, according to my friend, i seemed more normal recently. ok haha... maybe i should take it as a improvement of my ability to sustain unwanted life to hypnotize myself? or maybe really i hav found the reason to be peaceful? yah thank god if my life is wat she percieved to be...
afraid of departure... although it is still not the appropriate time to talk or even think about it. but, i just duno why, i suddenly have a lonely feeling, as if i am flying off tmr or everyone besides me are flying away tmr, left only me, only me only me in this desert...
i was sad for many times, now i am, i mean now--in the middle of the night when i haven even finish my exam haven hav outings haven considered the date of leaving. it is only a preparation for the real heart breaking time i guess...
maybe u dun understand how i feel. and the tormenting fact is, i will never never hav the bravery to tell directly how i feel... sorry sorry... i never learnt to say, and i wil never be able to..
my eyes are painful now, due to some nonsensically irrational things i just did. it has been a long time since it last brought me down....how... but how... i am too weak to resist....
sigh
i wil be here..
learning to be alone
yes i know how....
i have only physics papers + one comp paper left. life is supposed to be wonderful now! really... really... make it last...
, on Tuesday, November 18, 2003 at 12:04 p.m.
sorry i dont understand.
dun say i am naive i am stubborn i am stupid....
i can pretend nothing had happened~
and i can pretend i am at ease now. not only for now, can be forever forever forever...
oh to some extent, i am...
but can u?
i am neutral now...
so are you.
好像一瞬间就从昨天，走入了明天，失去了的是，今天。
如果你在我身边，你会了解吗？
i hav to say, byebye...
dunno whether it will be for now, or, forever...
i am really scared by just thinking of the consequence, lik i never have this kind of feeling before, scared, worried, heart hanging in midair althought u may say it is all my fault.
yes it is.
forgive me,
if u r going to forget me...
tml prelim ends...
but i feel so hopeless now, and feel my existance is so useless so senseless, merely becoz, i could not find a lyrics booklet which i borrowed frm my friend... post prelim stress? it should be somewhere and i tried everywhere but realize it's nowhere to be found... oh no...
sad to realise and cannot take the fact that i am such a disorganized person. always creates chaos and being inside one myself.
as a result, i owe a lot
i owe time a life..
or owe my life time?
either way-
s*x....
ok i should try to be happy tml. anyway it is meant to be...*grimace* farewell my last prelim... nvr see you again..
sad...
brain torn into pieces after physics, which wil never be recovered for the subsequent test, not now, not today. nope...
i duno whether it is the aftermath of pure coffeine(oops i mean coffee and tea), long time lurking online(slept at 6am yday and woke up at 12),
AfTer all 3 f, on Monday, September 22, 2003 at 02:40 p.m.
was surfing, stumbled upon this cute site offers some cute msgs...
Should I smile, Cuz ur my friend, Or cry..Cuz that's all we'll ever be?
No guy is worth your tears & when you find one that is, he won't make you cry.
Sometimes I wish I was a little kid again....skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts!
dont say you love me unless u really mean it, cuz i might do something crazy like believe it...
When I first saw you I was afarid to talk to you*When i first talked to you I was afraid to like you*When i first liked you i was afarid to love you*Now that I love you I m afraid to lose you...
whats betta? a lie that draws a smile or the truth that draws a tear?
If u really Love Something set it free, if it comes Back it's yours, if it doesn't it wss never meant to be..
A MeMoRy LaStS 4eVeR NeVeR DoEs it DiE TrUe FrieNdS StAy toGeThEr AnD NeVer SaY GoOdByE.
Our eyes are placed in front because it is more important to look ahead than to look back.
I always knew looking back on the tears would make me laugh, But I never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry
Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happend
The more I get to know guys, the more I like dogs :)
Some day u'll cry for me like i cried for you
Some day u'll miss me like i missed you
Some day u'll need me like i needed you
Some day u'll love me, but i wont luv you!
girls are like phones, we like to be held and talked too, but if u press the wrong button u'll be disconnected!
§omewhere There'§ §omeone Who Dream§ Of Your §mile, And Find§ In Your Pre§ence That Life I§ Worth While, §o When You Are Lonely, Remember It'§ True: §omebody, §omewhere Is Thinking Of You
Last night I was looking at the stars and I was wondering where the heck is my ceiling!
i know
knowing that everything is void is not a good feeling...
yesterday before econs paper, i was sitting, listening to piano, memories flowing back, rushing, being suffocated....
that was a good time, when everything was so fresh so innocent, and i, never attemped to hope. such a memorable place and sunny smiles, which deceited me. made me think everything was fine and wonderful, made me forget there is sth called reality, there is sth called down to earth...
if cannot expel, i wil do work, i will compensate all my crazy acts all my insanity all my ignorance to my real responsibility and life, i will DO my best to compensate! there is my future lying in front for me to take care of...
haha...
I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naive
I'm just out to find
The better part of me
I'm more than a bird...
I'm more than a plane
More than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me
Wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
About a home I'll never see
It may sound absurd...
but don't be naive
Even Heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed...
but won't you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
It's not easy to be me
Up, up and away...away from me
It's all right...
You can sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy...
do u know i am crying noW?
for u...
cold tears running down, bitter, and it is cold. even if there were sth called passion and fondness, they have been extinguished by the coldness, the uncared heart. the solely broken heart.
i suffer more...
than u..
i am not useful...
not any more...
i am not like that, sorry
so giving up is a good choice, i stil insist.
hope so...
enough of it
enough....
listening to...
天空
我的天空为何挂满湿的泪
我的天空为何总灰的脸
飘流在世界的另一边
任寂寞侵犯一遍一遍
天空划着长长的思念
你的天空可有悬着想的云
你的天空可会有冷的月
放逐在世界的另一边
任寂寞占据一夜一夜
天空藏着深深的思念
我们天空何时才能成一片
我们天空何时能相连
等待在世界的各一边
任寂寞嬉笑一年一年
天空叠着层层的思念
但愿天空不再挂满湿的泪
但愿天空不再涂上灰的脸
serious...
i am...
was standing on the platform...
fought back the surge to cry out. another sentiment dominated day...
was deeply hurt by some petty irritants, minor, maybe to some ppl it is so insignificant....
why was i so hurt?
coz...
i care...
listening to SHE...
夏天的微笑
........
要用像夏天的微笑 隐藏好心情有多糟
不做你沉重的背包 当做相知一场的回报
我用像夏天的微笑 鼓励像冬天的心跳
勇气和真爱会遇到 虽然幸福爱跟人躲猫猫
(真心最后会把真爱抓牢)
Do you remember
The things we used to say?
I feel so nervous
When I think of yesterday
How could I let things
Get to me so bad?
How did I let things get to me?
Like dying in the sun
Will you hold on to me
I am feeling frail
Will you hold on to me
We will never fail
I wanted to be so perfect you see
I wanted to be so perfect
Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
Like dying in the sun
当你
曲：张思尔 | 词：林俊杰
如果有一天 我回到从前
回到最原始的我 你是否会觉得我不错
如果有一天 我离你遥远
不能再和你相约 你是否会发觉我已经说再见
当你的眼睛眯着笑 当你喝可乐当你找
我想对你好 你从来不知道 想你想你 也能成为嗜好
当你说今天的烦恼 当你说夜深你睡不着
我想对你说 却害怕都说错 好喜欢你 知不知道
如果有一天 梦想都实现
回忆都成了永远 你是否还会记得今天
如果有一天 我们都发觉
原来什么都可以 无论是否还会停留在这里
也许可是让我想得太多 也许该回到没我
梦里和相遇 就毫不犹豫 大声的说我要说
Hope
-- Sandy McDermott
The dawning of another day is pushing it's light
through my window and I resent the intrusion
...without Hope.
Where did you go?
I have spent the night in restless wanderings,
retracing our path together,
trying to find the crossroad where you departed.
I pray.
Hope,
will you ever return?
I cover my head to muffle the sound
of the alarm clock as it breaks the silence
between yesterday and today.
I pray.
Hope,
please come back.
I taste the pain
as a tear falls past my lips to my pillow
and evaporates in the heat of the sun.
Sunlight?
Has it always felt this warm and comforting?
Funny, but I don't remember.
I feel something familiar in the gentle breeze
as it caresses my face.
Peaceful wind
The fragrance of waking flowers fills the room
as they rise to greet the morning.
Were they blooming yesterday?
I must have missed that too.
I pray.
The sounds of rush-hour traffic
are hushed by a sweet symphony.
Birds?
How long have you been nesting near my window?
My eyes follow the yellow rays of early morning
as they fill the room and rest on the silent,
white canvas leaning against my dusty color box.
I wonder.
How long have your threads
yearned for a stroke of green?
I whisper.
Hope?
where did yo go?
deadly silence...
i mean here. well, havent been updating for millions of years, and strictly speaking, tonite's entry may not be a proper one neither...
things are falling apart..badly...fall into abyss...
-outside is again raining, inside is again screaming. my head is being tore apart now,(it hurts) can feel the pain implanted into the brain, just like a stern voice teasing myself "why are you going nuts at this moment?"
ya. as i always said, it is not the right time now.
it is an absolutely definitely inappropriate time to do a lot of things. a lot. a lot. so many that i feel lik drowning among them. so many precious things which will be missed badly if i dun go for them, but again, i have no time, i have no mood, and i have no energy left to care.
care so much for what?
who cares for this one?
a crazy girl?
someone is being hurt now. by a lot of things as well, e.g my headache.
ok shud start piaing for computing .... jia you ur moron -pat myself-....
oh well this is S"uPeR nice!
聽見 冬天的離開
我在某年某月 醒過來
我想 我等 我期待
未來卻不能因此安排
陰天 傍晚 車窗外
未來有一個人在等待
向左 向右 向前看
愛要拐幾個彎才來
我遇見誰 會有怎樣的對白
我等的人 他在多遠的未來
我聽見風 來自地鐵和人海
我排著隊 拿著愛的號碼牌
我往前飛 飛過一片時間海
我們也常在愛情裡受傷害
我看著路 夢的入口有點窄
我遇見你是最美的意外
oh well....
can i just dun apply for overseas uni?
can i just give up?
dun care abt S paper Sat two i never even apply yet.
try get 4 As? if cannot then 3 As ba...
go to SMU, take econs or finance.
get study loan, no bond, slack.
have my life, rotten. decay..
go any bank, be a white collar diligent mid-class employee.
marry someone
haha never thought of that before...
maybe i am qualified to be a house wife huh? huh? huh?
i can cook, oh well, i never die yet
have kidz. oh ha i won spoil them(literally spoil i mean screw them up). i won show them HappyTreeFriends. i vote i won beat them.
then lead a peaceful life.
gossiping, at coffee beans, shopping.
reading magzines at home, watching tv. well. during weekends.
get old.
old enough to pass down my valuables and die.
end all trauma...
last entry was last week.
get well soon, plz plz plz...i will pray for u! (hope u stil have chance to read my blog ^--^). now i have the 闲情逸致 to pray for my friends and myself as well. i put it as praying because, i merely dono how to make a wish, how to ask for a return so i can only pray, pray to the unknowm, pray for the known and pray with the improbable feeling.....
why am i so vulnerable to petty irritation. why? why? why cannot brighten up my day by sth else?
stop torturing me.
full-stop.
prepare learn Qing Tian, em i know i cmi but seriously this is a song i am devoted to learn, so i shud take out my dusted guitar liao.
just cannot get over the feeling of humming together with the guitar, so nice, so romantic. so cool!
i wish ah....
dont want to hear San Nian Er Ban now. so keep rewinding rewinding, hope life can be rewinded also...smiles smiles, bitter smiles, bizzare smiles, i smile for what?
keep smiling all days, sunny days and rainy days, keep happy happy HAPPY wow! WoW what a nice word! :) happy, H-A-P-P-Y....i am happy haha it is true why dont u thk so why have i ever shown a face tht i was not have i ever told anyone tat i was not why not i am not sure it is just a feeling a faked feeling out of the faked destiny...
everyday is a Qing Tian...
so far so far away....
unreachable,
untouchable...
maybe i should go and mug now. do u think so?
can hear the thunder outside?
can see the downpour?
fell down in the rain just now while rushing back to rescue my soaked bed. wow. it was such a dreadful feeling when my knees crashing onto the ground, splashing water up.... i was wet, totally drenched, but yet was so disoriented for being in a water world. it feels like dream, even when after i cleared myself up at this moment, i still cannot forget the feeling of losing all my senses forgettin who i am where i am, and the feel of a grasp of freedom, in a solitary world when noone shares my sentiment and pain.
when i came back, i din even have slightest remorse when i saw the debris--my bed. my knees were complaining, my body shivering due to the coldness, it is cold, so cold so penetratingly COLD, chill seep into my bones...
給我一雙翅膀 能讓我自由的飛
看遍人間的冷暖 快樂憤怒和悲傷
總有誰 想追求 生活更完美
不理會 別人可能會心碎
是理想的差別
或只是不同言語
先畫上一道防線 才發現
誰流淚 乾脆閉上眼
是不是就能夠好過一點
失樂園 在蔓延
誰的藍天瀰漫著煙 卻不是煙火表演
<失樂園> --蔡健雅
still remember the 煙火....
deeply shocked by how illogical and ungrammatical my last entry was...
plz forgive me, whoever.
whoever concerns.
i mean god...
for all the ppl reading this, sorry for immature thoughts posted here. they aren't intentional. trust me...
if u are stunned/daunted for somethings i wrote, plz just forgive me and forget abt it can? i mean no harm.
i regret the idea of pen-ing down all my inner thoughts here and display to the whole world, but i have no alternative now. :( anyway, if something is meant to be known then there is no use hiding it, rite? if i am this kind of person there is no use putting up a betta image everyday rite? haha....
-adding rubbish thots-
why why why...?
why i keep asking why?
i wish to believe(to conceive myself that) it is just coursework just the coming exam just all the debts(homework) which make me sick, make me inhuman. dun know how to go school with the feeling of owing the whole world everything i dun have, indebted, deeply indebted in this prison... *d--n it....(maybe i shudn use vulga words in my untainted palace here) no no no No...
why do i ceaselessly feel as if i am falling sick? and truly speaking i DO hope that i fall sick soon, even only for one day...isolation is such a luxury these dayz! one day off the sch is the only time to literally stone to kill time, and maybe i can do my own work leisurely, but do not treat them as obligatory labour work...
muz admit that i am stil an amiable student inside , although i am not disciplined at all! oops. stil can thk of doing work now. doing work. WORK! oh man. :| such a exciting life of mine...
i dun understand why...
i am more and more dependent on u. how? plz tell me how? plz plz...shhhsss i never feel so helpless before. never. never. why why why? i hate this kind of emotional addiction, which is out of my control and it torments me so much because, coz.. simply because i Do Care.
maybe u dun.
maybe not even a little? : ^purr^
it is unfair, unfair. why it is me?
cannot shake off the feeling of wanting cares. fanciful ideas, which shud not happen to someone of my age--not any more. __big kids daydreams__ shhhhsss...sounds soo0 unlike me,doesn't it? oh no it is not me i bet? i am just temporarily lost, sooner or later i wil(i will i BET i Do) regain my senses and metamorphose, or rather morph back to myself. yah....
such a wonderful idea of getting back myself.
oh...
can tell me why?
i duno why i am so down becoz of nothing. maybe, nothing, nothing happening. that is the sth bothers me more. sssshhhh i am lost. no i am terrified by how terrible i am... terrible gal. :( oh no.....
黑夜的颜色
能否黑一点
让沿途的街灯
能浮现
这个城市的安静
能否再安静一瞬间
让我的求救
再微弱 你都听得见
should i go? should i go not?
should i go? should i go not?
should i ...
should i.....
should i just escape from the world?
what is 眼不见，心不烦？
just cant keep it out of my mind.....:(
快疯掉
情绪偏离轨道 快疯掉
我睡不着 快疯掉
表情开我玩笑 快疯掉
我受不了
这样也好
如果身份对调
我的烦恼
你也会感同身受的知道
闷闷的很干燥 快疯掉 快疯掉
吹着前奏望着天空
我想起花瓣试着掉落
为你翘课的那一天
花落的那一天 教室的那一间
我怎么看不见 消失的下雨天
我好想再淋一遍
没想到失去的勇气我还留着
好想再问一遍
你会等待还是离开
刮风这天 我试过握着你手
但偏偏 雨渐渐
大到我看你不见
还要多久
我才能在你身边
等待放晴的那天
也许我会比较好一点
从前从前 有个人爱你很久
但偏偏 雨渐渐 把距离吹得好远
好不容易
又能再多爱一天
但故事的最后你好像说了
拜拜
晴天
周杰伦
he looks so different now, in his mv, shuai until a bit unreal... :o oh it shud be pleasant to see a more handsome jay chou but, to me, although his songs are stil nice stil melodious, i can no longer find them touching.
eyes hurt.
can i just cry?
YelloW
Look at the stars
look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow
I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called yellow
So then I took my turn
Oh what a thing to have done
And it was all yellow
Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know ?
You know I love you so
I swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh what a thing to do
Cos you were all yellow
I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow
Your skin, oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
D'you know ?
For you I bleed myself dry
It's true
Look how they shine for you
Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And all the things that you do
it is not that i am biase towards Tanya, but i truly think her version of Yellow is betta then Coldplay. maybe it is the touch of sentiment in the more feminine version allured me. and the euphonious chanting-lik way of singing really moved me... sensation of being in a dream, an endless dream....
i hope i am not in a dream, at least, i wish it is not going to end soon. no it is not avarice, it is only a form of accomodating, adapt to sth impossible, adapt to the cruel reality by conceiving myself ...
一页一页的心情 写着当初的甜蜜
一个人的日记里 回忆是我的氧气
一步一步的前进 我渐渐离开过去
告诉自己不要紧 感受此刻的天气
练习着 无所谓的心情
我不会飛 但我慢慢的走
有点寂寞 但我努力的过
需要时间 恢复伤口
快乐的事 一定还会有
我不会飛 但我渴望天空
有一点风 但我並不想躲
总有一天 给我时间
我会从思念里自由
i feel so out-dated...listening to old songs... :)
today i am doing fine, really! :)
picked up maths tutorial, pia through.
gotten emails from two best friends, touched by them, touched....
it feels sooooo0 good of getting simpler.
laugh simply.
walk simply.
eat simply
and ....
think... simple
nothing much...
i lost contact, as expected...
i am giving up, emotionally...
oh it is good it is good to ignore/suppress my impulse to pick up the phone, at least i never feel so determined before--yet sense the passing of time and the loss of connection, friendship, memories and every little thing u said u did...
我可不可以不勇敢
当爱太累梦太乱没有答案
难道不能坦白的放生哭喊
要从心底拿走很痛很难
if u happen to read this, just want u to know how i feel, it was such a burden to hide it, harder than letting it go.(although think the chance tat u dun even know this blog exists is 99% confidence interval with fluctuation of 0.1 yrs) explicit enough huh? my friend told me i am not open enough to friends, so i decided to meliorate, then i will not feel so deprived, hopefully?
somethings are still vivid as wat i can recall, so can i just take them as illusions? god plz bless me. keep me free from getting sentimental and over-sensitive. :) dun make things up and screw myself for expecting things improbable. oh yah ...haha...ha... so ironic....haha...
当我习惯寂寞 才是自由的时候
decided not going/attempt to apply for uk uni at all! although it is possible to lodge in my uncle's house... oh but besides that, i can see nothing specially inviting at all...
so. so. so.
how?
remember what u'v said? now i believe, it is only a joke...a tempting joke, a fabricated joke...
it is ard 5 am on the morning...
enya....a ethereal voice, so lulling that i was made to wonder whether i am in a dream or still awake for the past hours...
it became a habit to pen down sth in the lonely and sleepless night.... a new record has been set. wow... amazing. i should be proud of my potential of surviving for so long, without a rest, without a peace for heart...
lying on the floor, with eyes half closed but inside unrest. turning, tossing, deep breathing...hallucinatory sensation over, brings out an empty mind full with relief, a false relief, though....:)
is there "sub-conscious" state?
think i am going out in a few hours. oh no getta prepare to wear out the shed skin ,creep out the cradle of night. dissolve into the sunny day-lights...if i stay up long enough, i may just see the sun rise! and the brighten up of the sky...
but where is the sky?
Billy Joel
Slow down you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Too bad but it's the life you lead
You're ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong
You know you can't always see when you 're right
You got your passion, you got your pride
But don't you know that only fools are satisfied
Dream on but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize
Vienna waits for you
what if i never dreamed of anything never made wishes for anything never imagine i am the lucky one? what if i never dare to attempt??
do u ever have this feeling before? doing nothing in the middle of the night-- or, rather near dawn, let the sound of piano embrace you. and out of a sudden there is a rush of fatigue makes you want to scream out, yell back at it and suffocate it in its infancy....but instead you can only hold back, sob underneath stars with blankets wrapped all over, sob, sob, for the failty and misery. weep uncontrollably although, they came from nowhere, came for no reason....
that doesn mean anything
really...
sorry i am always being exaggerating... for a certain reason.. certain people..
need to go liao...
tata...
is there
a level of stress called "critical"? if it is true, i believe i am reaching there....
all the time, always, i have consistently denied that i am under stress. nope, i never really had a feeling of being taut and tense, neither being pressurised...so should be sth else which bothers me ba. how to describe the feeling? it feels like sth thorny growing inside me. sharp. slicing apart the peace. bleeding. painful.
偶爾抬頭看天空 心會有一陣陣難過
當我習慣寂寞 才是自由的時候
眼淚 安安靜靜的流過
-- 江美琪
simply learned not to be vulnerable. "fragile","tears","dependent", are long expelled from my dictionary...but, sometimes the thoughts of crying came as foreign as it sounds, overpowering me, forcing me to give in, to surrender to my impotence...
mum chase me for the choices of schools.
i know that over-protectionism is a form of love, i appreciate all the cares all the effort all the researches she has done for me. but i feel ... pressurized... no... no... no....
excessive love?
should i say i sound super-cruel tonight? :( i was really saddened after our conversation, as what i expected it to turn out...i am not a good child, not filial, not considerate, do not show any sign of emotional attachment of dependence to my folks, which wil definitely make them think i am......ok shouldn go further...:!
who doesn want a shoulder to lean on?
who doesn want a person to pat ur back and say "cheer up dun cry"?
who doesn need a smile? when the whole world is grey?
just that i cannot find one...
and i dun afford emotional craving...
dun dare to
scared of being hurt, i can ony resort to hide in a corner to seek solace to bear all the burden myself, and pour out all the depressed thoughts here...
maybe i should just give up one day, give up give up myself give up...
(only hope that my prayer can be overheard by someone, someone powerful enough for a rescue, god. silent prayer)
things need to be done:
coursework
labour mkt test tml
physics nuclear tutorial
physics s
maths appro tutorial
maths s
comp prelim paper presentatn
....
going nuts!
我就是这样
-- 范玮琪
"我的脾气不好又倔强，我的想法很主观，
不甘日子过的太平淡，又不想自找麻烦。
我常幻想有一天，
爱会翻过布满荆棘的围墙，超浪漫，
现实中谁愿为爱遍体鳞伤？
曾渴望有人能解我心伤，陪我看月亮，
带着我飞翔，将我所有爱释放。"
em this is a great album! =) her songs are sweet but mature, not that kind of naive fairy-tale silly love songs... haha...
today we are going to start coursework last activity , which is 6 hours long/short(?). but but but i am truly clueless of what to do, so can only hope a miracle occurs and i make it this time round...
feel damn down today, ok i know it is my own fault of not submitting homework, so i deserve a bad testimonial. :( i know should blame myself for not studying hard not being consistent not diligent and thus gotten this kind of lousy score is expected. cannot stand myself for being soo0O lazy and irresponsible! oh no...
cannot stand myself ...*T-T*
cannot....
sigh* but what is the use of nagging/whining here? anyway i am bounded in this physical body and, i believe from the start, i was b0rn for a rEas0n. despite how obligatory it may sound, i need to strive on, even if i interprete living merely as a form of fulfilling responsibility...i still will. simply becaus -- i am myself.
i am me
i am like this.... :)
if u havn't notice...
the background music is finally up-- hard work until 3:00am on sunday...-_-zZ (should be working ba). if there's any mulfunction plz plz tell me oh(drop down on guest book) and if u hav any personal dedication, i can put up the songs on my blog-- if i also lik them! ^--^
tired.
tired ah.
Drops Of Jupiter
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
With drops of Jupiter in her hair, hey, hey
She acts like summer and walks like rain
Reminds me that there's time to change, hey, hey
Since the return from her stay on the moon
She listens like spring and she talks like June, hey, hey
Tell me did you sail across the sun
Did you make it to the Milky Way to see the lights all faded
And that heaven is overrated
Tell me, did you fall for a shooting star
One without a permanent scar
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Tell me did the wind sweep you off your feet
Did you finally get the chance to dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind
Was it everything you wanted to find
And did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there
Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken
Your best friend always sticking up for you even when I know you're wrong
Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversation
The best soy latte that you ever had . . . and me
...remix by 蔡健雅。nice, a bizzare but pleasant feeling, differs from the original.... i never resist her voice...
如果有缘…… 如果。
...:n@n:...., on Sunday, July 27, 2003 at 10:50p.m.
damn tired now...it was such a long day...
wrote a thousand word entry before i save and before the comp just blanked out, so hav no more mood to record and replicate another one :( maybe it is destined to make my mouth zipped and let today be buried deep for myself...
wondering what makes life so vulnerable and meaningless? what makes someone just willing to forgo the whole world? what is so powerful to totally eliminate someone's hope in life? not stress not school not relationship, i hope? ...presently there is nothing worth me dying for, not from the negative side, at least....-_-*
stil 心痛 for the loss of my entry.
it is such a MEMORABLE day, exicting, adrenaline pumping, dying...
knows that i am sad, plz care a bit....
i need that...
only for now? can?
wont be too long....i won bother for too long...
still alive...
coursework is killing me...
since the time i decied to rectify my self-torturous life style, i saw no reason of doin senseless stuff in front of my beloved comp in the midst of the night, but , but, coursework just changed back my habit of staying up late... oh no...*yawn*
can anyone survive sleepless night?
the damn bug, the dumb bug, the stupified me can only stare blankly at a mocking monitor with the you-cannot-find-anything attitude!
maybe computing is just not meant for me, i am tooooo moron for such highly advanced technology and i should have knew that!
life without CW wil be better, i bet...
slightly better
我是一头鱼
一只没有体温的鱼
不停的游着，
不停的走着。
不会哭了……
鱼说 你没有见到我的眼泪
只是因为
你在天空
而 我在水里
Listening To:
....Deep.....BinoculaR
So this is what you mean
And this is how you feel
So this is how you see
And this is how you breathe
Sometimes
I know
Sometimes
I go down deep oh~
Beneath the deep blue sea
Touching every breath
All a slight off hand
For everything you left
Sometimes
I give myself for you
Sometimes
I know down deep oh~~
hate...
I hate the way you talk to me,
and the way you cut your hair.
I hate the way you drive my car,
I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick,
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you’re always right,
I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh,
even worse when you make me cry.
I hate it when you’re not around,
and the fact that you didn’t call.
But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you,
not even close…
not even a little bit…
not even at all.
--Karen Lutz & Kirsten Smith
oh what a sad poem...:(
Disclaimer: this poem does not have any real-life connotation...
haunted by coursework these days, and wil continue to be haunted for 4 more weeks...